Chuck Norris Facts: The MP3 Download

I've gotten a kick (no pun intended) out of the Chuck Norris "facts" which have sprung up around the net over the past 2-3 years. Many of them are very witty. I've always enjoyed Chuck. He doesn't have a great deal of range as an actor, but he seems to be a stand-up guy...and in his own way, he takes a stand for "truth, justice and the American way".

Tonite (9/17/06), I saw a video on YouTube of Chuck himself reading several of these facts on the Best Damn Sports Show. Unfortunately, between his voice (never his strongest suit), the laughter on the set, and his just didn't come off all that effectively. So, I thought...hey, that's what I do for a living! (the reading and voice part, anyway...)

So I put together a little audio bit featuring some of my favorite Chuck Norris facts...and some music written and performed by a good friend of mine, Stephen Bashaw.

Feel free to listen, download, tell your friends about it, Digg it, it, blog it, etc, etc, etc.

And let's just say it before you even listen. You know and I know that this would be a complete waste of 3.5 minutes if the topic were not...Chuck Norris. So now...down to business.

Undisputed Facts About Chuck Norris
performed by Chuck Brown

hi-quality download (right-click and Save Target as, etc.)

If you'd like to read along, or share the list itself with your friends, you'll find it right after the jump.
  • The cure for cancer is in Chuck Norris' tears, but we will never be able to get it because Chuck Norris has never cried. Ever.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  • Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.
  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. And got one.
  • Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  • As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to baby boys who would grow up to become the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
  • Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
  • A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  • Chuck Norris has actually been dead for years. Death is afraid to come get him.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the IV needle, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
  • Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun. And won.
  • Darkness is not the absence of light. It is the presence of Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
  • When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
  • Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.